Did we all just rewind 10years?

So last night, I finished work for the festive period, packed up my car and drove 300miles home. I wanted to fly under the radar for the first few hours. There was a memorial for T this morning at half 8 so I decided to stay with an old friend (pre-drugs) and we had plans to reconnect for the rest of the day until I officially arrived at home.

Ts memorial was beautiful, tears had been banned. Everyone had to bring their favourite festive memory about the queen of Christmas. Yes, I did have to see all the same faces I wish to avoid so much but I also got to remember a truly incredible woman. We sang Christmas songs and I got through it without crying, I wasn’t really sad. I miss her so much but it was nice to remember the good times again. I lit a candle and I said a prayer for her. I’m still struggling with my connection with god but hers never wavered during her life so if he exists, he’ll have heard me for her.

So then Cane and I left the memorial and headed out for coffee to catch up properly and we get barely seated when I get a phone call from my younger brother. Mum and Dad were in a fight, the police were there and how far away was I? I wanted to be selfish and lie, I wanted to say I was still a few hours away and continue enjoying my day. I’ve been through so much with my parents over the years. It’s Christmas for heavens sake. However, I told him I would be right over and made my apologies.

I arrived to the usual scene, things smashed, broken on the floor, shouting and the police stood while my dad packed his things. What happened? She asked him to put some stuff away, he launched the key over the fence and threw stuff around in a strop. She did nothing to encourage that, I doubt it but I only got half the story as my dad left as I arrived. There were no bruises and blood this time so I guess I should be thankful for that.

I’ve listened today to the fact they’ve both changed and they were trying to find a way to live without contact in the same house. I’ve listened to the fact that they’re both just such different people. If they are so different, why couldn’t they just separate discreetly, without police interference and without all the drama. We all know in 2 months time they’ll have found their way back to one another, completely changed and ready to try again for the 9millionth time.

This has been happening once a year for as long as I can remember and I am bored of it. I mean in comparison to the past, this is a hell of a lot more civil considering no physical contact was made and no plots are in place to destroy each other (hopefully I’m not speaking too soon). I’m trying to lend a sympathetic ear but all I want to do is repack my car and go back to Scotland, miles from the drama. My mum and brother are drinking in excess and although tempting I am managing to restrain for now. My older brother does not yet know as he’s spending his Christmas with the in laws and we are not ruining it for him. I am to keep up appearances, I’m attending every family function with the fake smile plastered on my face and the pretence that my dad has to work. My dad is at a house they’ve been working on (they both develop properties for rent or sale) and he’s alone for Christmas. He doesn’t want to see anyone and I don’t know whether to respect his wish or visit anyway because it’s Christmas and he is my dad.

So merry Christmas Eve eve everyone, hopefully yours is better than mine.

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