So everyone at work has had 5 days off, they all came back with a skip in their step and I plastered my fake smile on and pretended to do the same. How was your Christmas? They all asked. I’d left 5 days previously excited for the festivities, or as excited as I could psych myself up for. I lied and told them it was okay but I wanted to scream.
I’m angry. My Christmas was awful, caught up in a web of pretence and fakeness. I was ignoring the multiple urges to drink or use, refusing to let it win. It was so tempting, I’m surprised I got through. It was watching my family get absolutely insanely drunk and sitting there pretending to be fine with my glass of juice. I was being the responsible one, the reliable one and it was fucking hard.
I didn’t see my dad, after he left the house he cut off all communication. I answered endless questions about his whereabouts and how he was from many members of my family. I feel like I’m suffocating, this has been happening for years and normally it doesn’t affect me like this but I can’t breath for anger.
It was a childish and pathetic fight that ruined Christmas. I had to keep up the pretence because they couldn’t be bothered to. I had to find ways to distract the others of the disappointment and the let down. I had to carry my mum to bed. I had to do all of it because if I hadn’t, who would have?
I know I should just let it go, I’m back in Scotland now and all this drama is 300miles away but they’ve been doing this to me for so long, prioritising themselves over me. I mean I had a horrendous drug problem for 4 years whilst living under their roof and they were so caught up in their own chaos, they didn’t even notice that I was barely there. That I was caught up in my own mess and I needed their help, but I couldn’t ask for it.
This is years of anger and it’s brimming to the surface. I need to find a way to let it go because I want to start 2019 with some positivity. I don’t want it tainted by my past, I’ve done so well this year dealing with things, my ptsd, my nightmares, faces from my past. I need to deal with this too otherwise I’m going to be angry forever and I’ll never move on,