I went to the doctors

I finally bit the bullet. Yesterday morning I sat down with my GP and told her about everything I’ve been going through. I’ve been referred to a specialist who will diagnose me but she also agrees it sounds like PTSD. She offered me pills to help with the sleeping but I don’t trust myself to take the dosage so I declined. I’m now changing my diet and my routine to make it more balanced for dealing with my sleep deprivation which isn’t so bad now I’m back at work, I’ve taken on tons of hours to keep myself busy. When I’m busy it’s better. When I’m exhausted from work and lost in the chaos, sometimes I sleep better. Not always but last night I got a few hours. The nightmares still came but this time I wrote them in my journal and focused on my happy place to drift off once again. It wasn’t instantaneous but I didn’t feel the panic as long as I normally do.

Fingers crossed I can find a way to live with this

Advertisements

An open letter to a man I once loved

To the man I once loved,

I didn’t feel like I was a child. Yes, at the time we met I was just 14 but I had been through more than people older than me, I thought that made me wiser and more mature. In fact it made me more childish. I was in such a hurry to grow up because once you were an adult you were allowed to leave and nobody ever seemed to question you for it. My parents had both left and come back at multiple intervals of my life, my older brother had left and gone to university, my auntie was on the other side of the world, and yet I, the child, had to stay and clear up everybody else’s mess. I wanted to be older.

You made me feel older, from the second we met. You treated me like an equal, not some stupid kid. You told me about my eyes, how beautiful they were, they were once my favourite feature but I feel like you own them now and I cry when I look into them in the mirror. You never asked me how old I was, I liked that, I felt like you could see the woman I felt like I was, not the girl I actually was. But you really liked me because I was that girl, because I was young. You apologised for the kiss and told me it was wrong. It wasn’t wrong though was it? It felt right to you, otherwise you’d have stopped all communication right then and there, yes, you kept it platonic but you texted me everyday and made me feel special.

For years I have told people it wasn’t like that with us, that you never groomed me because technically I made the first move but I didn’t. On my 15th Birthday, you convinced me to sneak out of my parents house and you drove me to your caravan. You cooked me dinner and gave me wine, I may have kissed you first but you weren’t innocent in this. I loved you, back then, I really did. The first few weeks of our relationship, things were perfect, I don’t think I ever stopped smiling. You were attentive and loving, showering me in your affection.

I remember when it all changed but by then I was in too deep. I’d given up friends for you, the relationship with my parents was worse than it had ever been and I needed you. I didn’t really have anybody else, you knew that and you reminded me of it. That’s when I started taking drugs moe frequently, that’s when I lost myself. I used the drugs to numb the pain you caused me, I used them when you destroyed my self confidence daily. You’d remind me I was worthless and unlovable and I’d believe you.

Here’s the problem though, I’m so ashamed of the girl you made me become. I’m ashamed I ever let you lay a finger on me, let alone that I took you back every time. I never told anyone, not until recently. I wasn’t just ashamed, I was humiliated and I thought people would think I was weak. I have something called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I self diagnosed myself with it about 6months ago because I was too embarrassed to tell a doctor. I have nightmares and flashbacks and I don’t give myself any credit for fighting it daily, I think I’m pathetic because of it. I’ve lost my self worth and I hate myself. I am clean. 5months so now but before that I’d been clean for 5years. You’re the reason I slip, when the nightmares and panic gets too much it makes me want to take drugs to self medicate the symptoms.

Every night I feel the pain I felt all over again but this time I’m clean when I wake up and it hurts more than did back then. I hear you tell me how worthless I am and I wake up hating myself, hating myself more because you still have this power over me. The other day I had to lock myself in the flat and text my friend constantly because I wanted to use more than I think I ever have. But I didn’t. I am strong. I fight these battles every single day and I win. I’m still here.

I’m finally going to see a doctor, I’m terrified but I know that I need help and this has been going on too long to just hope that it passes over. I will build myself back up again into somebody stronger than ever. I wish that I had enough courage to stand up in court with those other girls and tell my story of you. I wish that I could tell the world how terrible you are but I am not yet ready for that. I’m glad the other girls are braver than me and are telling their stories of you. I hope they get the verdict that they deserve, that I deserve, that every young girl who falls in love with an older, abusive guy deserve. I hope that when you are sat in that cell for a very long time that you finally realise all the terrible things that you did. I hope you feel bad for all of us girls who lost ourselves trying to love you. You took my personality and my strength from me and I didn’t deserve that. For as long as I can remember, I thought that I did, that this was all part of something bigger but the truth is I deserved somebody who truly loved me back then. I needed someone to fight for me and defend me but that wasn’t you. I needed to be a kid for a bit longer but the second you stared into my eyes, my childhood ended completely and I spent so long trying to be who you wanted me to be. I wasn’t the girl you wanted, the girl you loved. I was just another trophy in a paedophile’s cabinet.

Realising who you truly are is the only way I’m going to move past this point of my life. Sometimes when I close my eyes I think of you how you were at the start and I long for that man. He never existed, he was a mask you used to get me and I have to remind myself of that.

I hope you get locked away and no other girls go through this because no girl deserves the war I fight in my mind daily. The nightmares and the insomnia, the physical pain I feel, that is all because of you and I would not wish it upon another human being.

From

The Girl You Destroyed

A day in the life of my PTSD

So I’m currently suffering worse than I have in a long time with my PTSD. I’m working nights and mornings so I think I’m hiding it well but everyone expects someone with PTSD to be a quivering mess, I function, sometimes better than others but it’s still hard.

When I’m finally free to sleep, after all my work is done I check the doors and windows twice before going back to my room. I’m currently sleeping with a knife near my bed, I know that this is more dangerous should something happen but it makes me feel more in control. I leave the light on or one of the hall lights, something so I’m not in complete darkness, I need to know my surroundings. My heart will be racing and I try to calm myself for sleep. I lie there for a long time before I can sleep, i listen to the noises around me, trying to notice anything out of the ordinary. My whole body is on alert, half from fear of something happening while I’m asleep and half from fear of the nightmares that are due to come. When I finally do fall asleep, I usually wake sweating or screaming, heart racing. I can feel him on me still, his body weight holding me down or I can feel the bruises that have long since healed. I struggle to breath, it takes me a while to get up and walk around, I need to constantly tell myself that I am safe. I’m exhausted all the time.

Other nights my flatmate will get up for a smoke or to use the toilet and my body will freeze from fear. I eventually gear myself up to go and check out the noise. It terrifying. I get irrationally angry at him for making any noise, forcing myself to walk away and not fight with him over this. This is not his fault.

Once I’m up, that is usually it, I get up and I go off to work. I fake smiles and try not to flinch at loud noises. I scan the streets around me searching for faces of people I know, sometimes I have to double look thinking I’ve seen him in a crowd, forcing myself to breath through.

I busy myself in work, fighting panic attacks and sometimes struggling to fight the feeling of his touch on my skin. Conversations with friends become forced and difficult, I struggle to keep eye contact, sure they’ll be able to tell everything that’s going on just by looking at me.

I finally get home and I repeat the process. I don’t know when I last got a full nights sleep, my body is drained and I’m still fighting. But I know this won’t defeat me, I will not let him win, not this time.

You haven’t written a blog post in a while…

A friend of mine follows this blog and he mentioned in passing the other day that he hadn’t seen much from me in terms of blog posts, he told me I should write about the good as well as the bad. There is some good and there is some bad in my life right now but the reason I don’t write, the reason I haven’t written anything for a while is because I’m trying to pretend everything is fine.

Growing up, no matter the issue at hand, my mother would force us to smile and pretend to be happy. They’d buy us things to hide our pain, or at lest distract us from it and I’ve been doing this for myself ever since.

My parents marriage is at war, but not one I’ve seen before. They’re not talking about it and they’re both trying and I hear the pain in my Dad’s voice when I speak with him. Something is off balance and I don’t know how to deal with that, I don’t want to get dragged into their drama but I also don’t want to regret not speaking up.

I’m suffering for severe self hatred, something I’ve never really dealt with sober before, if I ever felt self conscious( which has been a rarity in my life) I’ve always used drugs or alcohol to numb it. I haven’t specifically always liked who I am or parts of myself but I’ve always just accepted I can’t change who I am. Lately I hate the person in the mirror, or the way I react to things. I hate people looking at me, and I’m constantly wondering what people are saying about me behind my back.

My ex boyfriend, Andy, is up for trial soon for grooming different young girls and I’m trying to avoid it like the plague but somehow it keeps catching up with me. A good friend of mine approached him, drunk, blaming him for things that are wrong with me, blaming him for many things. Andy attacked him. He should’ve known better than to go to him but he didn’t, he was drunk and angry and trying to defend me. All it’s done for me is bring back the nightmares and the lack of sleep. It’s easier to hide now though as I’m working a few night shifts so people don’t need to know. I’m also afraid all the time and I think I see him in crowds of people, suddenly I can’t breathe. I tell myself repeatedly that I am safe, that I am okay but I am not. He’s still walking free right now and until he’s locked away, I can’t see this feeling going away.

But on a plus side, I am clean, just. I’ve walked past a dealers house several times in the last few weeks but I kept on walking after brief pauses. I know I should get to a meeting but this self consciousness won’t let me near that right now, I feel judged by everyone, friends, family and random people on the street. I don’t have the strength to walk into a meeting and even make eye contact with someone.

I have 2 fantastic jobs, both of which allow me to forget everything for a short while. I love working nights as I’m away from the judging eye of the people and I can just work away instead of sitting up in bed overthinking. And my day job as PA gives me some courage to talk to people and I’m too busy to be self conscious for that short while.

And the travel fund is growing. I’ve just got to get passed all this and then I can enjoy travelling the world with the knowledge that 50% of my fear will be locked behind bars. Here’s hoping he gets a long sentence so I never have to feel this scared ever again

Positive for a change

So I’ve posted over Christmas and New Year about my family, my anger, my Dad and all the floods of emotions I’ve felt. I think I’ve been lingering on it for too long, letting it drag me down into a dark place again, but I’m not letting it anymore. So finally I can share the good things guys.

Today I got offered a new job, and I may possibly be offered something else on Monday too, but it’s completely new for me and I was scared by this, but my new manager isn’t. He has identified all my qualities which make me perfect for the role and I’m actually looking forward to starting. I’m back running (FINALLY) with my eye surgery and a foot strain I had, I’ve been unable to do much physical exercise and although my body aches, it aches in a good way again. I’m eating healthier too, I want to find a way to fuel my body so I’m not tired all the time, I’m hoping it will help me keep in better spirits too. I’ve quit smoking, 10 full days now and it’s not been easy but I’m working on it. I am still clean and sober, even after everything over the festive period, to be honest I think it helped me secure my sobriety even more. My mum is an alcoholic and seeing her drowning her problems made me work harder on it. I even attended a few meetings and booked a few more sessions with a therapist.

Final bit of good news is that we have set a date to go travelling. On December 27th 2019, my flatmate and I (maybe another friend of ours also) will be boarding a flight to Australia, then on to New Zealand, across Asia, then we have to return for a wedding and a quick top up of funds before we drive through Europe and then on to the USA. I have a savings account (WITH SOME ACTUAL FUNDS ALREADY IN IT) which is growing slowly and a wall chart with our plans mapped out. I am so excited and glad to have something to work towards.

I hope that everyone’s 2019 is going well so far!

Where are you now?

My Dad left on the morning of the 23rd, escorted out my Mums door by the police as I arrived home to celebrate the festivities. Since then I’ve had little to no contact. He sent me a football shirt before New Years, it arrived at my place of work, opening up to even more questions. Why did he send it? I don’t know. People have suggested it was a peace offering or an apology, Others suggest its him reaching out. I don’t know what it means.

On New Years Day, I got my first text message, it read Happy New Year, hope it’s good for you. Sorry for the way things have turned out this year. Have a good day and I will speak to you soon.

I felt optimistic that the relationship we’ve built back up from the ground over the last few years still had a future. I replied with Happy New Year, I’m back home for the next few days so if you let me know when you’re free I can come by.

No reply. I sent that on New Year’s Day and it is marked as read but I got nothing, just like I got nothing over Christmas. On Saturday I packed up my car and drove back to Scotland. I don’t feel guilty either, I keep trying and trying but he is the parent. It’s about time he made a choice to spend time with me. Without my mum forcing it like she did when we were kids.

I don’t know why I’m getting the silent treatment either. This argument was solely between the two of them and yet here I am being pushed away again. I know I should be used to it, we’ve never had an amazing relationship but it still makes me feel so unwanted. I still feel it the same way I did at 8 when he left. I still want him to fight for me.

I don’t want to finish 2018 Angry

So everyone at work has had 5 days off, they all came back with a skip in their step and I plastered my fake smile on and pretended to do the same. How was your Christmas? They all asked. I’d left 5 days previously excited for the festivities, or as excited as I could psych myself up for. I lied and told them it was okay but I wanted to scream.

I’m angry. My Christmas was awful, caught up in a web of pretence and fakeness. I was ignoring the multiple urges to drink or use, refusing to let it win. It was so tempting, I’m surprised I got through. It was watching my family get absolutely insanely drunk and sitting there pretending to be fine with my glass of juice. I was being the responsible one, the reliable one and it was fucking hard.

I didn’t see my dad, after he left the house he cut off all communication. I answered endless questions about his whereabouts and how he was from many members of my family. I feel like I’m suffocating, this has been happening for years and normally it doesn’t affect me like this but I can’t breath for anger.

It was a childish and pathetic fight that ruined Christmas. I had to keep up the pretence because they couldn’t be bothered to. I had to find ways to distract the others of the disappointment and the let down. I had to carry my mum to bed. I had to do all of it because if I hadn’t, who would have?

I know I should just let it go, I’m back in Scotland now and all this drama is 300miles away but they’ve been doing this to me for so long, prioritising themselves over me. I mean I had a horrendous drug problem for 4 years whilst living under their roof and they were so caught up in their own chaos, they didn’t even notice that I was barely there. That I was caught up in my own mess and I needed their help, but I couldn’t ask for it.

This is years of anger and it’s brimming to the surface. I need to find a way to let it go because I want to start 2019 with some positivity. I don’t want it tainted by my past, I’ve done so well this year dealing with things, my ptsd, my nightmares, faces from my past. I need to deal with this too otherwise I’m going to be angry forever and I’ll never move on,