Positive for a change

So I’ve posted over Christmas and New Year about my family, my anger, my Dad and all the floods of emotions I’ve felt. I think I’ve been lingering on it for too long, letting it drag me down into a dark place again, but I’m not letting it anymore. So finally I can share the good things guys.

Today I got offered a new job, and I may possibly be offered something else on Monday too, but it’s completely new for me and I was scared by this, but my new manager isn’t. He has identified all my qualities which make me perfect for the role and I’m actually looking forward to starting. I’m back running (FINALLY) with my eye surgery and a foot strain I had, I’ve been unable to do much physical exercise and although my body aches, it aches in a good way again. I’m eating healthier too, I want to find a way to fuel my body so I’m not tired all the time, I’m hoping it will help me keep in better spirits too. I’ve quit smoking, 10 full days now and it’s not been easy but I’m working on it. I am still clean and sober, even after everything over the festive period, to be honest I think it helped me secure my sobriety even more. My mum is an alcoholic and seeing her drowning her problems made me work harder on it. I even attended a few meetings and booked a few more sessions with a therapist.

Final bit of good news is that we have set a date to go travelling. On December 27th 2019, my flatmate and I (maybe another friend of ours also) will be boarding a flight to Australia, then on to New Zealand, across Asia, then we have to return for a wedding and a quick top up of funds before we drive through Europe and then on to the USA. I have a savings account (WITH SOME ACTUAL FUNDS ALREADY IN IT) which is growing slowly and a wall chart with our plans mapped out. I am so excited and glad to have something to work towards.

I hope that everyone’s 2019 is going well so far!

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Where are you now?

My Dad left on the morning of the 23rd, escorted out my Mums door by the police as I arrived home to celebrate the festivities. Since then I’ve had little to no contact. He sent me a football shirt before New Years, it arrived at my place of work, opening up to even more questions. Why did he send it? I don’t know. People have suggested it was a peace offering or an apology, Others suggest its him reaching out. I don’t know what it means.

On New Years Day, I got my first text message, it read Happy New Year, hope it’s good for you. Sorry for the way things have turned out this year. Have a good day and I will speak to you soon.

I felt optimistic that the relationship we’ve built back up from the ground over the last few years still had a future. I replied with Happy New Year, I’m back home for the next few days so if you let me know when you’re free I can come by.

No reply. I sent that on New Year’s Day and it is marked as read but I got nothing, just like I got nothing over Christmas. On Saturday I packed up my car and drove back to Scotland. I don’t feel guilty either, I keep trying and trying but he is the parent. It’s about time he made a choice to spend time with me. Without my mum forcing it like she did when we were kids.

I don’t know why I’m getting the silent treatment either. This argument was solely between the two of them and yet here I am being pushed away again. I know I should be used to it, we’ve never had an amazing relationship but it still makes me feel so unwanted. I still feel it the same way I did at 8 when he left. I still want him to fight for me.

I don’t want to finish 2018 Angry

So everyone at work has had 5 days off, they all came back with a skip in their step and I plastered my fake smile on and pretended to do the same. How was your Christmas? They all asked. I’d left 5 days previously excited for the festivities, or as excited as I could psych myself up for. I lied and told them it was okay but I wanted to scream.

I’m angry. My Christmas was awful, caught up in a web of pretence and fakeness. I was ignoring the multiple urges to drink or use, refusing to let it win. It was so tempting, I’m surprised I got through. It was watching my family get absolutely insanely drunk and sitting there pretending to be fine with my glass of juice. I was being the responsible one, the reliable one and it was fucking hard.

I didn’t see my dad, after he left the house he cut off all communication. I answered endless questions about his whereabouts and how he was from many members of my family. I feel like I’m suffocating, this has been happening for years and normally it doesn’t affect me like this but I can’t breath for anger.

It was a childish and pathetic fight that ruined Christmas. I had to keep up the pretence because they couldn’t be bothered to. I had to find ways to distract the others of the disappointment and the let down. I had to carry my mum to bed. I had to do all of it because if I hadn’t, who would have?

I know I should just let it go, I’m back in Scotland now and all this drama is 300miles away but they’ve been doing this to me for so long, prioritising themselves over me. I mean I had a horrendous drug problem for 4 years whilst living under their roof and they were so caught up in their own chaos, they didn’t even notice that I was barely there. That I was caught up in my own mess and I needed their help, but I couldn’t ask for it.

This is years of anger and it’s brimming to the surface. I need to find a way to let it go because I want to start 2019 with some positivity. I don’t want it tainted by my past, I’ve done so well this year dealing with things, my ptsd, my nightmares, faces from my past. I need to deal with this too otherwise I’m going to be angry forever and I’ll never move on,

Did we all just rewind 10years?

So last night, I finished work for the festive period, packed up my car and drove 300miles home. I wanted to fly under the radar for the first few hours. There was a memorial for T this morning at half 8 so I decided to stay with an old friend (pre-drugs) and we had plans to reconnect for the rest of the day until I officially arrived at home.

Ts memorial was beautiful, tears had been banned. Everyone had to bring their favourite festive memory about the queen of Christmas. Yes, I did have to see all the same faces I wish to avoid so much but I also got to remember a truly incredible woman. We sang Christmas songs and I got through it without crying, I wasn’t really sad. I miss her so much but it was nice to remember the good times again. I lit a candle and I said a prayer for her. I’m still struggling with my connection with god but hers never wavered during her life so if he exists, he’ll have heard me for her.

So then Cane and I left the memorial and headed out for coffee to catch up properly and we get barely seated when I get a phone call from my younger brother. Mum and Dad were in a fight, the police were there and how far away was I? I wanted to be selfish and lie, I wanted to say I was still a few hours away and continue enjoying my day. I’ve been through so much with my parents over the years. It’s Christmas for heavens sake. However, I told him I would be right over and made my apologies.

I arrived to the usual scene, things smashed, broken on the floor, shouting and the police stood while my dad packed his things. What happened? She asked him to put some stuff away, he launched the key over the fence and threw stuff around in a strop. She did nothing to encourage that, I doubt it but I only got half the story as my dad left as I arrived. There were no bruises and blood this time so I guess I should be thankful for that.

I’ve listened today to the fact they’ve both changed and they were trying to find a way to live without contact in the same house. I’ve listened to the fact that they’re both just such different people. If they are so different, why couldn’t they just separate discreetly, without police interference and without all the drama. We all know in 2 months time they’ll have found their way back to one another, completely changed and ready to try again for the 9millionth time.

This has been happening once a year for as long as I can remember and I am bored of it. I mean in comparison to the past, this is a hell of a lot more civil considering no physical contact was made and no plots are in place to destroy each other (hopefully I’m not speaking too soon). I’m trying to lend a sympathetic ear but all I want to do is repack my car and go back to Scotland, miles from the drama. My mum and brother are drinking in excess and although tempting I am managing to restrain for now. My older brother does not yet know as he’s spending his Christmas with the in laws and we are not ruining it for him. I am to keep up appearances, I’m attending every family function with the fake smile plastered on my face and the pretence that my dad has to work. My dad is at a house they’ve been working on (they both develop properties for rent or sale) and he’s alone for Christmas. He doesn’t want to see anyone and I don’t know whether to respect his wish or visit anyway because it’s Christmas and he is my dad.

So merry Christmas Eve eve everyone, hopefully yours is better than mine.

Merry Christmas

Today is Christmas Day in our household, as I drive back down south at the weekend to spend actual Christmas with my family so we do it early as my best friend is working the real thing.

Anyway I am known for being the Queen of Christmas, I used to love the festivities. It has always been my favourite time of year but the last 5 or 6 I’ve forced my festivity. I don’t think anyone has been able to tell. I work hard to keep up this pretence.

6 years ago, in 2012, Christmas was easy. I was high, I used to call cocaine my Christmas spirit and I’d mix it with pills and alcohol which made it go by in a flash. I don’t really remember very much of that year, I know I was working for a few hours on the actual day but the rest of it is a blur. My family are heavy drinkers, especially during the festive period, so they didn’t notice what was happening.

5 years ago, 2013, Christmas was the hardest I’ve ever had. I was clean and sober, 6months so and I worked hard to be happy. My Grandad passed away that Christmas Day, early in the morning and I don’t cry in front of my family. I never have. I deal with my emotions later once I’ve helped everyone else. So I slapped on the fakest smiles and I went about working on the best Christmas ever. My mum drank away the pain of losing her father and everyone else tried to hold back tears to enjoy the period together.

4 years ago, 2014, I had to work away in London. I only had to pretend to be festive for the 30minute phone call to them that day. I remember feeling very depressed and isolated at that time, at least when I was faking the festivities I had my family.

3 years ago, 2015, I had one of the best Christmases, my 2 friends invited me back to their flat after work. We drank and played stupid games, we ate Chicken Kiev’s and spring rolls and laughed so much. I loved it, I was still sad, but I managed to get lost in the festivities.

2 years ago, 2016, it was my first Christmas home in a long time. I worked endlessly on the Christmas menu, on choosing my gifts. I had a small present opening in Scotland which was amazing, a small care package from my best friend to get me through. I drove home for Christmas on Christmas Eve and I sang Christmas songs at the top of my lungs all the way. It was good fun, we laughed and smiled. There was always the air of sadness in the air but we forced ourselves through it and I came back on the 27th.

Last Christmas, 2017, we had a Scottish Christmas in November as a friend of ours was going back to France in early December. We opened daft gifts, drank, ate party food, played games and watched Christmas movies. It was awesome. It was so much fun and I didn’t feel the sadness once, except when my boyfriend at the time didn’t show up, but I put it to the back of my mind and I enjoyed my friends company. My boyfriend and I discussed him coming to my parents house on Boxing Day and meeting everybody. I met his mum the weekend before Christmas. He didn’t come to my staff Christmas party and he sent me a weird message asking me to come over, even though he knew I was out. I was sceptical but he promised me it was nothing. I hated myself for questioning him, I blamed my exes. I blamed myself. We exchanged gifts, his dad had died the year before and he had been trying to find his dads harmonica. I bought him one, engraved with his dads initials. He cried, he gave me a generic bath set but I tried not to be disappointed. On December 21st, he told me he had cheated on me the night of my staff Christmas party. I drove home that Christmas and everyone asked about my boyfriend, this great guy I hadn’t shut up about and I had to tell them we’d broken up. It was humiliating. Christmas was more forced than ever and there were so many people in our house that year I had a sofa to sleep on and nowhere to escape off to for some breathing time.

So Merry Christmas everyone, hopefully this year is better. The candle we light for absent friends, holds even more memories than it did last year which saddens me but I’m trying to feel the festivity. I used to love Christmas, it was a huge part of who I was and I’ve never wanted to give that up. I love the lights, the decorations, the movies and the songs. If anyone has any idea how to get through it without drugs, alcohol and sadness then I’d love to hear it. If not I hope you all have a fantastic Christmas, I truly do. It’s a magical time of year when anything can happen, I’m just waiting on my magic

X

Happy Birthday T

I know I just posted a post I’ve been working on for a few days but tonight I need to wish my friend T a happy birthday. As some of you know she passed away this year after overdosing. I’m so lost without her and when I think of her sometimes I struggle to find air. She was a truly incredible person and someone I hope to one day be like. She was kind and caring. She used to work alongside charities and help people get the help they needed, mostly with addicts and young addicts specifically but she wouldn’t leave someone to find their way if they needed other kinds of help.

Today she’d have been 28 years old. They say the good die young, god that is so true. I hate addiction, I hate that day in day out I am constantly battling mine but I also hate it for the people it took from me. I’m angry that she helped me get clean the first time around in 2013 and I couldn’t help her during this final slip she had. I hate my ex Carl for coming between us and I hate myself for letting him, not fixing what I should have so long ago.

If she were here today, I’d apologise, our fight was petty and she had so much more to teach me before she died. I’ve lost out on being there the day she gave birth to her son, I’ve missed out on his life. Chase John was born almost 2 years ago and was named after great friends of ours who also died. I’m so angry and sad he won’t know her, that although we’ll all speak of her to him that he’ll never remember her laugh. Or that he’ll only know her face from photographs. The life he could have had was robbed from him and I will always be angry about that. She was an incredible mum, she was to all of us when we were teenagers, she fussed over us and set us on our paths, Chase deserved that too.

So happy birthday T, I genuinely hope there’s something out there for you after this life, something better with less heartache and battles. We’re all keeping an eye out on your boy and having a brew thinking of you today, wherever we are in the world. I’ll have Aerosmith or The Beatles on in the car in the morning, and I’ll try not to cry when I hear them this time. I don’t want our happy memories tarnished with my sadness, you wouldn’t have wanted that either.

Xxxx

Do you ever get the temptation to take drugs again?

My best friend’s sister is an addict, she was addicted to cocaine for a short time a couple of years ago. She sent me this message the other night, quite late and I was asleep. I recognised it immediately as a cry for help. But this is the following morning. I’m 300 miles away and I’m at a loss. Do I tell him she asked? I tell him everything but right now this was just a cry for help, not a relapse and he’s not exactly the best person at handling her addiction. We have a rule, if he thinks something’s up, he rings me first and I help him strategize. I decided not to tell him and reply to her honestly and hope to receive the same back, reminding her I’m at the end of the phone if she needs me and he will be there for her too.

So for anyone who’s recently clean or a family member looking to hear about it, do I ever get the temptation to take drugs again?

The simple answer is yes. I’m tempted when I’m happy, it used to be my way to celebrate and I’m tempted when I’m sad. I want to take them when I’m frantically busy and also when I’m bored with nothing to do. I struggle to socialise without the nagging feeling to take the edge off and if I’m all alone I think about it too. The truth is once you’re clean, it never goes away. I hope with time the feeling fades a lot more because sometimes it’s stronger than others but reality is every move I’ll ever make in life, I’ll have to choose not to take drugs with it. When the feeling becomes too much and I feel like I’m suffocating, I detox my life. I try to remove stress, even if that means being selfish because I can’t be there for anyone if I can’t be there for me. I try not to isolate myself, this doesn’t mean I force myself to visit people or go out partying but I reach out, at least to one person just to remind myself I have people counting on me. I remind myself why I’m clean. Why I choose this life? The good things that have come from my sobriety that wouldn’t if I had chose a different path. Sobriety is hard. Fighting the addiction is hard but it is so worth it in the long run. I wish I could take back my relapse in October because I gained nothing from it, except the certainty that I have a problem and it wasn’t just the lack of self control of my adolescence. But if I’d stayed clean I’d be coming up for 5 and a half years clean. I’ll get there again and even pass that point this time!

As for my friends sister, she got through it and I’ll check in when I get back and help her keep fighting because you’ve got to have people who know what it’s like on your side. I have an incredible sponsor who kicks me up the backside when I need it. I have some great friends at meetings. I also have the best friend I could ask for, he may not be great when it comes to his sister’s addiction but when I relapsed he caught me before I fell back to rock bottom. I’ll be forever grateful for that.

Thanks for reading.