I miss you

My friend T died this year, I’ve mentioned it a few times but walking around the place we both grew up makes me miss her so much more than when I’m at home 300 miles away. I keep expecting to see her popping in through my bedroom like she did numerous times when we were younger.

I met T at a party I went to when I got with Andy, she was like a big sister or a mum to me. She took me out of the way when I started to cry after an argument with him and taught me how to keep myself out of too many arguments with him. She never did understand why I was with him but she accepted it was my choice and so decided to do damage control instead. When Shawn died, she led us all through the grief. When Chloe died, she brought us all together and taught us all to focus on moving forward. When Chase died, she left. She went to rehab and got clean, she felt like something needed to change and she had to be the start of that. Once she was clean she came back for me, she dragged me to a meeting and eventually she helped me on my road to recovery. She then moved around our group of friends helping them find their path forward. When John died she blamed herself and it’s the one that hit her the hardest because she felt it completely sober with no drug to help her escape. As did I. And after we had all dealt with our grief in any way we could she moved away, constantly in our contact but to make a life for herself away from all the pain and memories.

Our lives took us down different paths to a similar path and eventually we fell out over a guy. Our loyalty to each other there in some way but also a lot of anger keeping us apart. She fell off the wagon and I tried to be there for her without forgiving her which was stupid and immature. We never did clear the air. This year after 3 attempts of rehab and the fear of losing her son, she overdosed. I’ll never know for sure if it was accidental or if she chose to take her life and I’ll never get to clear up the stupid fight we had.

Sometimes you get so lost in the anger of a silly argument that you can’t realise how stupid you are being and the time you are losing out on. I’d give anything to bring her back, I’d give anything for her to climb through my bedroom window right now or for her to lecture me like she did when I was younger. If there’s someone in your life that you’re fighting with, please think it through. If they died tomorrow and you guys never sorted things out, is that okay with you? Because that guilt doesn’t go away if they go before you do. Put your pride aside and reach out, at least know you tried. I really wish I had.

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So much to say…

So I haven’t spoken on here for a while, a couple of weeks ago I was rushed into an emergency eye surgery and I’ve been recovering on my parents sofa. Nothing major, it’s painful but manageable and super boring.

However, now I’m back in my home town it’s given me to ability to face some more demons from my past. So I finally got around to facing my ex Andy, who I’ve spoken about in many of my past posts. We met for coffee a couple days ago and I have felt more emotions in these days than I’ve felt about him in the 8 years since we broke up.

We met in a coffee shop near my parents house, I’ve never been there, it’s a small family run place, we sat in a small booth in the back and I drank my small coffee out of a chipped cup. I was nervous, I have been ever since I considered meeting with him. He’s older now, same build, same haircut, if I squint my eyes it’s as if the last 8 years melt away.

I met Andy when I was 14, he was 19. We were friends at first, he made a move on me when I was 14 but I pushed him away, wanting our first time to be more special and he apologised saying it was wrong and he was sorry. We finally got together on my 15th birthday when he was 20. I felt so much older than I was and so I didn’t see that it was wrong. At first he was this sweet kind boy who was hilarious and full of sarcastic comments. Eventually he was cold and cruel, controlling and powerful, he had a group of boys who did anything he asked of them and lots of people in the estate they lived was afraid of him. He ruled by fear and that’s how he was as a boyfriend also. He was terrifying. I acted as if I wasn’t afraid of him and I could do what I pleased, at parties he’d go off and sell drugs and while he was busy I’d be free to do whatever I wanted, so long as I didn’t draw too much attention to myself. If I did, I usually get beat slightly or he put me down so much I’d hate myself. I used drugs to numb this and make it all go away, it’s when my drug problem began.

I had been in love with my good friend Kane, before i met Andy but I was afraid to tell him how I felt and I’d got with Andy instead. Kane told me how he felt and kissed me when we were out with our friends from school. It terrified me, I knew Andy would hurt him if he ever found out so I pretended I didn’t feel the same way and tried to push him away. He was quite upset about it and one night when I was at a party with Andy, he showed up to try to change my mind. Andy overheard me trying to reject him nicely and lost it. He beat him so badly, I was scared Kane would end up in hospital or that Andy wouldn’t stop. Eventually my friend T dragged him off of Kane and I helped him out of the party, he was a mess. He told me i deserved better and he’d help me get out but I knew he couldn’t so I told him I was fine, that I loved Andy and he loved me. I was kidding myself.

Things then hit a low point, our friend Chase died and Andy pushed me away, I’d spent the last couple years trying to be everything he needed me to be and although I probably should’ve used this as my way out, I needed his attention now more than ever. So I forced happiness between us. I’d hang out with him even though he spent most of his time ignoring me and pretending I wasn’t there. He started using needles too, he knew this was something I hated so he hid it from me, going to the caravan with his friends to do it behind my back. People told me that was what he was into now but I chose to believe him not them. One night I went over to the caravan to see him and found him and friends shooting up. I felt so betrayed and all the emotions of the previous months were all floating to the surface and I just lost it. I never had an outburst with him, mainly because I was scared to and so this was the first time. He lost it, he grabbed me and wrestled me to the ground, holding me down with his whole body he injected me with something, I have no idea what. Luckily some friends had decided to check in on me and half carried – half dragged me out of there.

I still stayed, mostly out of fear but somewhat out of love. I didn’t know how to leave, I thought he’d kill me. I’d seen him really hurt lots of people and I knew he wasn’t just going to let me off lightly.

I told him all of this the other day, he tried to convince me that he never meant to hurt me because he honestly did love me. 3 different women who were all underage when they dated him are now pressing charges and he is being investigated. I don’t want to press charges, I don’t care that what he did was illegal it didn’t feel like it was. I’m fully aware that it was illegal and wrong. I told him I want nothing from him, I just want him to understand what he did to me and I wanted to face him and not be afraid. I wasn’t afraid, I don’t see him as this big scary man anymore, I see him as a pathetic weak man who intimidated young girls to feel a sense of power. I feel sick when I think of him. I asked him to please never contact me again, to which he agreed. He didn’t apologise, still believing our relationship wasn’t wrong and that he loved me in the only way he knew how but I was a kid and I deserved so much better.

He introduced me to drugs, I’m not saying he is the reason I became addicted but he is part of the reason I am an addict. Each time I face a demon from my past I feel a little bit more like the person I’m aiming to be and I’m setting my standards for the future much higher than they once were.

When I first sat in that coffee shop the other day, all I could think of was drinking or taking something to numb the fear but I didn’t use or drink. I sat there and I took it all in sober and then I walked out of there with my head held high. I’m struggling being back here, I know more dealers and people still living that life here, when the boredom sets in it’s all I think about. However I am staying with my parents, 2 people very unaware of the person I have been in the past and I’m not about to disappoint them now so I spend my early mornings on the phone to my sponsor and my afternoons I try to surround myself with family because when I’m with them I’m distracted from drugs or drink. Being back here also shows me how far I’ve come, in the past I’d be sneaking around and ruining my life all over again but instead I’m keeping doors I once closed, still closed and using my free time to plan for my future.

Thanks for reading.

So I got my 30 Days

So on Saturday I got my 30days and I was supposed to celebrate with my sponsor and a few NA friends. I used to think if I got 30days again I’d feel together in my life, I’d feel in control and things would be easier. This was in fact not the case.

My flatmate inhaled carbon monoxide at work so instead of going and celebrating my 30days, I drove him to hospital to get checked out. I mean the fact I was clean and sober enough to do so shows how far I’d come in those 30days. The next day his younger sister wet her pants at school and I had to go and get her and get her changed. Then take her and her brother to some fireworks to give his mum af break.

I’m responsible again. I’m helpful again. And somehow I feel more like myself than I have in a really long time. I’ve slept for 3 nights on the run, which is something to celebrate let me tell you.

It’s only 30days and when everyone at my meeting was applauding it, I was angry. I shouldn’t have slipped in the first place let alone had to redo my first 30days sober but I did. I messed up. And the last few months have been incredibly hard so I should count the state I’m currently in as something to be proud of and not something to begrudge myself of. Everyday I don’t take drugs or have a drink, that is a good day.

Is it even possible?

So today is not a positive post unfortunately. Have any of them been so far? When you look in the mirror, do you like what you see? I don’t. I don’t mean this in a physical sense, although there are things I wish I could change about my appearance. But in a more general sense I don’t know how I became this girl.

I saw this post today “Unfuck yourself. Be who you were before all that shit happened that dimmed your fucking shine” . Is that even possible at this point? I carry with me so much anger most days, I start smiley and happy (well after my morning coffee), I’m nice to people, polite and respectful, however, I’m losing my patience. I used to be this patient person who cared about people and who took the time to show them things and help them out in any way I could. But in the last year I’ve stopped, why should I help people? Once yes but if you don’t get it first time I’m wasting mine. This sounds awful but it’s who I’m becoming each day.

I also don’t care for getting to know people or to let people in. I’ve shut the gates and I don’t want to let anybody in. I’m tired and I’m done. I don’t have anything left for people and I don’t reckon they’ll like who I’ve become anyway so what’s the point in trying.

I’m sick of justifying my actions. Of lectures from friends and people’s opinions. I don’t care if you disagree with me at this point. I won’t explain to you why you’re wrong or why I’m not listening. I’ve built all my walls and I’m trying to reach out of them but I can’t. I get frustrated and tired from trying so I give up.

So do I like this person? The answer to that is no. I hate who I’ve become but things have happened in my life that have formed this person and I don’t know how to “Unfuck myself”. I’m trying to better deal with my emotions and I’m trying not to isolate myself but I don’t know who I’m supposed to be if I’m not this person. I can’t even imagine what my shine looked like before. It’s been a long journey to this destination and I’m not sure I can be bothered journeying to a newer better version of me.

Halloween…Sober

So we went to a big party at a club near us. There was a few of us, I was driving as I’m the only one in the group who doesn’t drink. I had so much fun, the guys were hilarious drunk and dancing etc. I danced and talked to people. I kept an eye out on my friends dancing with different people.

Then it got to like 2am, I went to the loo and when I came back couldn’t see my mates. I was stood and a guy handed me a jagerbomb. I managed to say no thank you but I really wanted to have it. I felt like I was spoiling his fun saying no. But I did and I went and sat in my car for a few minutes to collect myself.

I did it. I was sober. I told all my friends about their drunken antics this morning and laughed at their hangovers while I felt great.

It’s only one night out but maybe I can keep this up.

A Tribute to Alex

So as I mentioned in my previous post ‘Who is left?’ My friend Alex passed away. He was a part of the group of friends I had when I was younger, still living at home and heavily using. I feel I skated over his passing and started focusing on the future. This is somewhat true. My friend T also died back in June and I haven’t properly dealt with that either. There’s just been so much death in our group that it’s too painful to deal with but I’ve got to deal with it before I can carry on with my life.

Alex and I were like brother and sister, we would wind each other up, make each other miserable, laugh together and then support each other. Like I said earlier our group of friends had different bonds. Rhys was my best friend back then and Alex was his guy best friend, hence how Alex and I spent so much time together. We weren’t close and I would have turned to a lot of others first but we had our loyalty to one another. Alex would believe everything he heard and so would end up spreading rumors that weren’t true. He never learnt to find out if things were accurate before passing the information on which infuriated me endlessly.

He also had a great laugh, a proper belly laugh, a genuine smile and was one hell of a character. He was probably one of the most switched on of us all. He had goals and he never skipped classes, even in college when the attendance wasn’t checked as often, he went to every class, got his A levels and went off to Uni. On the day of his A Level results, we all got up super early and stood outside the gates to the college he went to while he went in and got them. He came out with his envelope and opened it with us. I remember how proud we all were of him. HE DID IT! We had a friend at Uni, this was insane. He never once made us feel like we were less than he was, even when we all lacked ambition and direction in life, he’d sit with us and drink and laugh and party but he always knew his limit and would leave if it was going to affect College or Uni. He was going places. And none of us begrudged him for that, he deserved it more than anyone.

When Chase passed away, we all dealt with his death differently but Alex buckled down and focused on his grades and his future…it was what he needed to get through. A year later when John passed away, he helped us all through our grief, he got us all to talk about it and work through it. After John had slipped through the cracks, falling into a depression none of us could save him from, Alex spent his first year of Uni, phoning each of us once a week to check how we were doing. He had a great big heart.

After Uni, he got a job with an accountant and he was working his way up. Saving every penny for his future and everything was falling into place. He was looking for houses at the beginning of this year and was moving up through the ranks at work.

When T died this year, he took it hard. I guess for all of us, she was the beacon leading us the way but after she passed we all shut down. I mean I isolated myself from most things until I had convinced myself to relapse and luckily I managed to pick myself up again before I hit rock bottom again. But Alex fell into depression, he stopped going to work and lost his job, he isolated himself from everything and last week, he took his life. I can’t believe this world is now still turning without that laugh, without him cracking some sort of remark and bringing us all back together.

I’ve mentioned before I struggle to find a relationship with God but I hope dearly that there is some form of afterlife for Alex and for all the guys we lost. I hope he sees T again. It’s that thought that helps me to smile again and the thought that the darkness is no longer controlling him.

I regret not checking in with him after T died, I was so lost in my own grief, I couldn’t look up to check on anyone else. It reminds me how incredibly strong Alex was all those years ago when Chase and John died, checking in on us and guiding us back to the light. I only wish he could’ve found it again. But I will forever be grateful to have known him and I honestly don’t know how I would’ve got through some of the dark days without him. He will be missed by all of us and a lot of other people who knew him. I only hope that he is now at peace.

To Alex

Thanks for reading.

First Night Out…Sober

So since my relapse I’ve not been out to a bar or out much at all really but I agreed to go out to for Halloween (one of my favourite holidays) and I’ve been nervous. So yesterday my sponsor and a good friend of mine suggested we go to a bar for a few drinks as I’d have back up if I needed it.

We went to a bar, I ordered at lemonade, my sponsor the same and my friend had a beer. It was a lovely evening. We played a would you rather card game I brought and I thoroughly enjoyed myself…without booze or drugs. I am nervous obviously still for Wednesday night but I feel better.

Socialising made me feel normal again for the first time in a while. I forgot about the sadness I’ve been feeling for one evening.

Next weekend I’m having tea with the same people to celebrate my 30days (on Saturday ) sober and I don’t plan on ruining that on Wednesday night. I’m going to be strong and enjoy myself without the need for any substance.

Thanks for reading.