So I haven’t spoken on here for a while, a couple of weeks ago I was rushed into an emergency eye surgery and I’ve been recovering on my parents sofa. Nothing major, it’s painful but manageable and super boring.
However, now I’m back in my home town it’s given me to ability to face some more demons from my past. So I finally got around to facing my ex Andy, who I’ve spoken about in many of my past posts. We met for coffee a couple days ago and I have felt more emotions in these days than I’ve felt about him in the 8 years since we broke up.
We met in a coffee shop near my parents house, I’ve never been there, it’s a small family run place, we sat in a small booth in the back and I drank my small coffee out of a chipped cup. I was nervous, I have been ever since I considered meeting with him. He’s older now, same build, same haircut, if I squint my eyes it’s as if the last 8 years melt away.
I met Andy when I was 14, he was 19. We were friends at first, he made a move on me when I was 14 but I pushed him away, wanting our first time to be more special and he apologised saying it was wrong and he was sorry. We finally got together on my 15th birthday when he was 20. I felt so much older than I was and so I didn’t see that it was wrong. At first he was this sweet kind boy who was hilarious and full of sarcastic comments. Eventually he was cold and cruel, controlling and powerful, he had a group of boys who did anything he asked of them and lots of people in the estate they lived was afraid of him. He ruled by fear and that’s how he was as a boyfriend also. He was terrifying. I acted as if I wasn’t afraid of him and I could do what I pleased, at parties he’d go off and sell drugs and while he was busy I’d be free to do whatever I wanted, so long as I didn’t draw too much attention to myself. If I did, I usually get beat slightly or he put me down so much I’d hate myself. I used drugs to numb this and make it all go away, it’s when my drug problem began.
I had been in love with my good friend Kane, before i met Andy but I was afraid to tell him how I felt and I’d got with Andy instead. Kane told me how he felt and kissed me when we were out with our friends from school. It terrified me, I knew Andy would hurt him if he ever found out so I pretended I didn’t feel the same way and tried to push him away. He was quite upset about it and one night when I was at a party with Andy, he showed up to try to change my mind. Andy overheard me trying to reject him nicely and lost it. He beat him so badly, I was scared Kane would end up in hospital or that Andy wouldn’t stop. Eventually my friend T dragged him off of Kane and I helped him out of the party, he was a mess. He told me i deserved better and he’d help me get out but I knew he couldn’t so I told him I was fine, that I loved Andy and he loved me. I was kidding myself.
Things then hit a low point, our friend Chase died and Andy pushed me away, I’d spent the last couple years trying to be everything he needed me to be and although I probably should’ve used this as my way out, I needed his attention now more than ever. So I forced happiness between us. I’d hang out with him even though he spent most of his time ignoring me and pretending I wasn’t there. He started using needles too, he knew this was something I hated so he hid it from me, going to the caravan with his friends to do it behind my back. People told me that was what he was into now but I chose to believe him not them. One night I went over to the caravan to see him and found him and friends shooting up. I felt so betrayed and all the emotions of the previous months were all floating to the surface and I just lost it. I never had an outburst with him, mainly because I was scared to and so this was the first time. He lost it, he grabbed me and wrestled me to the ground, holding me down with his whole body he injected me with something, I have no idea what. Luckily some friends had decided to check in on me and half carried – half dragged me out of there.
I still stayed, mostly out of fear but somewhat out of love. I didn’t know how to leave, I thought he’d kill me. I’d seen him really hurt lots of people and I knew he wasn’t just going to let me off lightly.
I told him all of this the other day, he tried to convince me that he never meant to hurt me because he honestly did love me. 3 different women who were all underage when they dated him are now pressing charges and he is being investigated. I don’t want to press charges, I don’t care that what he did was illegal it didn’t feel like it was. I’m fully aware that it was illegal and wrong. I told him I want nothing from him, I just want him to understand what he did to me and I wanted to face him and not be afraid. I wasn’t afraid, I don’t see him as this big scary man anymore, I see him as a pathetic weak man who intimidated young girls to feel a sense of power. I feel sick when I think of him. I asked him to please never contact me again, to which he agreed. He didn’t apologise, still believing our relationship wasn’t wrong and that he loved me in the only way he knew how but I was a kid and I deserved so much better.
He introduced me to drugs, I’m not saying he is the reason I became addicted but he is part of the reason I am an addict. Each time I face a demon from my past I feel a little bit more like the person I’m aiming to be and I’m setting my standards for the future much higher than they once were.
When I first sat in that coffee shop the other day, all I could think of was drinking or taking something to numb the fear but I didn’t use or drink. I sat there and I took it all in sober and then I walked out of there with my head held high. I’m struggling being back here, I know more dealers and people still living that life here, when the boredom sets in it’s all I think about. However I am staying with my parents, 2 people very unaware of the person I have been in the past and I’m not about to disappoint them now so I spend my early mornings on the phone to my sponsor and my afternoons I try to surround myself with family because when I’m with them I’m distracted from drugs or drink. Being back here also shows me how far I’ve come, in the past I’d be sneaking around and ruining my life all over again but instead I’m keeping doors I once closed, still closed and using my free time to plan for my future.
Thanks for reading.