So I got my 30 Days

So on Saturday I got my 30days and I was supposed to celebrate with my sponsor and a few NA friends. I used to think if I got 30days again I’d feel together in my life, I’d feel in control and things would be easier. This was in fact not the case.

My flatmate inhaled carbon monoxide at work so instead of going and celebrating my 30days, I drove him to hospital to get checked out. I mean the fact I was clean and sober enough to do so shows how far I’d come in those 30days. The next day his younger sister wet her pants at school and I had to go and get her and get her changed. Then take her and her brother to some fireworks to give his mum af break.

I’m responsible again. I’m helpful again. And somehow I feel more like myself than I have in a really long time. I’ve slept for 3 nights on the run, which is something to celebrate let me tell you.

It’s only 30days and when everyone at my meeting was applauding it, I was angry. I shouldn’t have slipped in the first place let alone had to redo my first 30days sober but I did. I messed up. And the last few months have been incredibly hard so I should count the state I’m currently in as something to be proud of and not something to begrudge myself of. Everyday I don’t take drugs or have a drink, that is a good day.


Is it even possible?

So today is not a positive post unfortunately. Have any of them been so far? When you look in the mirror, do you like what you see? I don’t. I don’t mean this in a physical sense, although there are things I wish I could change about my appearance. But in a more general sense I don’t know how I became this girl.

I saw this post today “Unfuck yourself. Be who you were before all that shit happened that dimmed your fucking shine” . Is that even possible at this point? I carry with me so much anger most days, I start smiley and happy (well after my morning coffee), I’m nice to people, polite and respectful, however, I’m losing my patience. I used to be this patient person who cared about people and who took the time to show them things and help them out in any way I could. But in the last year I’ve stopped, why should I help people? Once yes but if you don’t get it first time I’m wasting mine. This sounds awful but it’s who I’m becoming each day.

I also don’t care for getting to know people or to let people in. I’ve shut the gates and I don’t want to let anybody in. I’m tired and I’m done. I don’t have anything left for people and I don’t reckon they’ll like who I’ve become anyway so what’s the point in trying.

I’m sick of justifying my actions. Of lectures from friends and people’s opinions. I don’t care if you disagree with me at this point. I won’t explain to you why you’re wrong or why I’m not listening. I’ve built all my walls and I’m trying to reach out of them but I can’t. I get frustrated and tired from trying so I give up.

So do I like this person? The answer to that is no. I hate who I’ve become but things have happened in my life that have formed this person and I don’t know how to “Unfuck myself”. I’m trying to better deal with my emotions and I’m trying not to isolate myself but I don’t know who I’m supposed to be if I’m not this person. I can’t even imagine what my shine looked like before. It’s been a long journey to this destination and I’m not sure I can be bothered journeying to a newer better version of me.


So we went to a big party at a club near us. There was a few of us, I was driving as I’m the only one in the group who doesn’t drink. I had so much fun, the guys were hilarious drunk and dancing etc. I danced and talked to people. I kept an eye out on my friends dancing with different people.

Then it got to like 2am, I went to the loo and when I came back couldn’t see my mates. I was stood and a guy handed me a jagerbomb. I managed to say no thank you but I really wanted to have it. I felt like I was spoiling his fun saying no. But I did and I went and sat in my car for a few minutes to collect myself.

I did it. I was sober. I told all my friends about their drunken antics this morning and laughed at their hangovers while I felt great.

It’s only one night out but maybe I can keep this up.

A Tribute to Alex

So as I mentioned in my previous post ‘Who is left?’ My friend Alex passed away. He was a part of the group of friends I had when I was younger, still living at home and heavily using. I feel I skated over his passing and started focusing on the future. This is somewhat true. My friend T also died back in June and I haven’t properly dealt with that either. There’s just been so much death in our group that it’s too painful to deal with but I’ve got to deal with it before I can carry on with my life.

Alex and I were like brother and sister, we would wind each other up, make each other miserable, laugh together and then support each other. Like I said earlier our group of friends had different bonds. Rhys was my best friend back then and Alex was his guy best friend, hence how Alex and I spent so much time together. We weren’t close and I would have turned to a lot of others first but we had our loyalty to one another. Alex would believe everything he heard and so would end up spreading rumors that weren’t true. He never learnt to find out if things were accurate before passing the information on which infuriated me endlessly.

He also had a great laugh, a proper belly laugh, a genuine smile and was one hell of a character. He was probably one of the most switched on of us all. He had goals and he never skipped classes, even in college when the attendance wasn’t checked as often, he went to every class, got his A levels and went off to Uni. On the day of his A Level results, we all got up super early and stood outside the gates to the college he went to while he went in and got them. He came out with his envelope and opened it with us. I remember how proud we all were of him. HE DID IT! We had a friend at Uni, this was insane. He never once made us feel like we were less than he was, even when we all lacked ambition and direction in life, he’d sit with us and drink and laugh and party but he always knew his limit and would leave if it was going to affect College or Uni. He was going places. And none of us begrudged him for that, he deserved it more than anyone.

When Chase passed away, we all dealt with his death differently but Alex buckled down and focused on his grades and his future…it was what he needed to get through. A year later when John passed away, he helped us all through our grief, he got us all to talk about it and work through it. After John had slipped through the cracks, falling into a depression none of us could save him from, Alex spent his first year of Uni, phoning each of us once a week to check how we were doing. He had a great big heart.

After Uni, he got a job with an accountant and he was working his way up. Saving every penny for his future and everything was falling into place. He was looking for houses at the beginning of this year and was moving up through the ranks at work.

When T died this year, he took it hard. I guess for all of us, she was the beacon leading us the way but after she passed we all shut down. I mean I isolated myself from most things until I had convinced myself to relapse and luckily I managed to pick myself up again before I hit rock bottom again. But Alex fell into depression, he stopped going to work and lost his job, he isolated himself from everything and last week, he took his life. I can’t believe this world is now still turning without that laugh, without him cracking some sort of remark and bringing us all back together.

I’ve mentioned before I struggle to find a relationship with God but I hope dearly that there is some form of afterlife for Alex and for all the guys we lost. I hope he sees T again. It’s that thought that helps me to smile again and the thought that the darkness is no longer controlling him.

I regret not checking in with him after T died, I was so lost in my own grief, I couldn’t look up to check on anyone else. It reminds me how incredibly strong Alex was all those years ago when Chase and John died, checking in on us and guiding us back to the light. I only wish he could’ve found it again. But I will forever be grateful to have known him and I honestly don’t know how I would’ve got through some of the dark days without him. He will be missed by all of us and a lot of other people who knew him. I only hope that he is now at peace.

To Alex

Thanks for reading.

First Night Out…Sober

So since my relapse I’ve not been out to a bar or out much at all really but I agreed to go out to for Halloween (one of my favourite holidays) and I’ve been nervous. So yesterday my sponsor and a good friend of mine suggested we go to a bar for a few drinks as I’d have back up if I needed it.

We went to a bar, I ordered at lemonade, my sponsor the same and my friend had a beer. It was a lovely evening. We played a would you rather card game I brought and I thoroughly enjoyed myself…without booze or drugs. I am nervous obviously still for Wednesday night but I feel better.

Socialising made me feel normal again for the first time in a while. I forgot about the sadness I’ve been feeling for one evening.

Next weekend I’m having tea with the same people to celebrate my 30days (on Saturday ) sober and I don’t plan on ruining that on Wednesday night. I’m going to be strong and enjoy myself without the need for any substance.

Thanks for reading.

You can’t change the beginning but you can start now and change the ending.

Talking to friends from your past is something I recommend everyone do, they remind you who you were, how much you’ve changed (good or bad) and they put things in better perspective. Now I wish I were talking to mine under better circumstances but tragedy is the only things that has ever brought us all close together and I doubt that will ever change. I have a unspoken bond with these people, a loyalty and I can say anything to them as they’ve all seen me at my worst. We have talked so much these last couple days and nights, of the past, present and future. We have cried together and laughed. We both carry with us such heavy hearts and we’re trying to lift them for each other.

I’ve been talking to my friend Ryan the most at the moment. He knows me the best out of who is left of our old group. We dated on and off over the years and have hurt each other tremendously at different times, in different ways. We ended up together after I split with Andy all those years ago and I never took the time to deal with the repercussions of the break up, I’d just gone through, and because of that I wasn’t really ready. Anyway over the years we’ve convinced ourselves multiple times that we are to be together and every time it does not work out. Not this time, thank god. Ryan is engaged to a lovely girl who is pregnant with his child, everything he always wanted is ready for him. I’m so happy about that, he deserves this so much. But talking to him has been amazing.

Before my relapse at the beginning of this month, I resigned from my current job, effective January 2019, in order to get a higher paying job to save to go travelling for a year, something I have always wanted to go and do. Since my relapse, this has terrified me, what if more money means it’s easier for me to take drugs? What if I fail to save enough money? What if I get offered drugs while travelling? Or a drink and I can’t resist? And because of my doubt I have been trying to think about it, it’s a trip I’m taking with my best friend as he has never really travelled anywhere and when I talk of places I’ve been he wants to feel it too. So when he brings it up with all his excitement, I’ve been changing the subject and avoiding what I once felt.

This is all I’ve ever wanted! I should be excited, it’s exciting. God yes it is scary but if I’m too busy saving money, I’m too busy to even think about my addiction. As long as I’m going to meetings and following my steps, why shouldn’t I think about the future? Ryan reminded me I’ve done this before, granted it was only for a month instead of a year but whilst backpacking, I never once thought of drugs or even all the other things in my life. I lost myself in the culture and beauty of the world. And I will do again. January 2019, savings will start and January 2020, I’ll be packing up my car with my best friend and head out into the great perhaps! It’s time to start focusing on the future again and stop dwelling in the past, I am obviously still going to be dealing with all the issues I have in my past and I’ll still talk of them on here but I need to be forward thinking now. I can’t change what has happened ( by god I wish I could) but I sure as hell can change what happens next.

I feel this is a small ray of light in my current darkness and I’m trying to reach for it and not get swallowed up in the sadness and despair I’m feeling. I miss my ‘family’ dearly but they are my strength, the ones here and the ones who are not. There are so many things that they have taught me and they would want me to do this…I never shut up about going travelling when I was younger, why have I waited this long to do something about that? I want to do this for them, for my best friend and mostly for me. For my younger self who wanted this more than anything but got lost somewhere on her way to it.

Thanks for reading.

Who is Left?

So the guy I was telling you about in my last post, Alex, unfortunately passed away this morning. His body couldn’t handle the amount of pills he had taken and it began to shut down. I feel numb. Shocked, angry and more than anything I feel lonely.

We weren’t great friends but we spent time with the same people and he’s become a part of a ‘family’ I once had. There were 10 of us, Andy (my ex boyfriend), Ryan, T, Chloe, Chase, Shawn, Rhys, Alex, John, Shane and myself. We were a family. We were were a group of kids who met each other in different ways and due to having things going on in our personal families, we stuck together. People joined us at parts and left but we were the constant. We were the essense. I joined the group when I met Andy at 14. Since then Shawn died in a fire his stepdad started at their home, trying to save his younger brother. He was 16. Chloe died of a heart attack from MDMA at 16. Chase crashed his bike when he was high when he was 17. John took his own life on the anniversary of Chase ‘s death at 18. T died of an overdose earlier this year, she was 27 and now Alex has taken his life, he was only 24. I’m sad and I miss them all so much.

I have long since moved away from the place I grew up and have drifted from everybody on this list but I still love that when something happens, any disagreements are put to one side and we’re all back together, supporting each other and holding each other up. But at the same time, I lose a piece of myself with each of them. We were all broken kids trying to find our way and the loyalty we had to one another, I doubt I’ll ever find again in the lifetime. We werent all best friends, we had our bonds within the group and some were a lot stronger than others. There was always so much drama but underneath it all was so much confusion and we were just kids scared of what the future held.

Alex was a great guy, we had our problems but when John died, I remember T was completely broken. She was the strongest of us all and always held us all up, she was the person who helped me get clean, who helped Ryan join the army, who tried to keep Andy in line. She was the mother hen but when John died, she couldn’t be. She was like the shell of the women she was. I remember Alex ringing me when it happened and I rushed back home and went straight to Ts house. I found her on the floor in the garden shed of her childhood home, she was so lost and so broken. I had no idea what to do, the person who usually led the way was before me and if she didnt know what we do, how would i know? Alex came in and scooped her up. He took her inside and sat her down and showed her a camera he had when we were young. He made tea and he got us all talking about the man John was to all of us, he helped us through that grief. Now with T and Alex gone I’m not sure who helps us through this grief but what I do know is that the world just lost another incredible man who was fighting a battle none of us could even see and he will be incredibly missed.

Yes I want to drink and use, I want to numb all of this and make it go away but I’m facing it head on. I’m feeling every emotion and trying to process what has happened just the same.

If you’re reading this and you feel like there’s nothing more for you in this world. Reach out to someone, please, because I can promise you that even though you feel alone, you aren’t. Somebody cares and will wish you had reach out instead of taking matters into your own hands.