So as I mentioned in my previous post ‘Who is left?’ My friend Alex passed away. He was a part of the group of friends I had when I was younger, still living at home and heavily using. I feel I skated over his passing and started focusing on the future. This is somewhat true. My friend T also died back in June and I haven’t properly dealt with that either. There’s just been so much death in our group that it’s too painful to deal with but I’ve got to deal with it before I can carry on with my life.
Alex and I were like brother and sister, we would wind each other up, make each other miserable, laugh together and then support each other. Like I said earlier our group of friends had different bonds. Rhys was my best friend back then and Alex was his guy best friend, hence how Alex and I spent so much time together. We weren’t close and I would have turned to a lot of others first but we had our loyalty to one another. Alex would believe everything he heard and so would end up spreading rumors that weren’t true. He never learnt to find out if things were accurate before passing the information on which infuriated me endlessly.
He also had a great laugh, a proper belly laugh, a genuine smile and was one hell of a character. He was probably one of the most switched on of us all. He had goals and he never skipped classes, even in college when the attendance wasn’t checked as often, he went to every class, got his A levels and went off to Uni. On the day of his A Level results, we all got up super early and stood outside the gates to the college he went to while he went in and got them. He came out with his envelope and opened it with us. I remember how proud we all were of him. HE DID IT! We had a friend at Uni, this was insane. He never once made us feel like we were less than he was, even when we all lacked ambition and direction in life, he’d sit with us and drink and laugh and party but he always knew his limit and would leave if it was going to affect College or Uni. He was going places. And none of us begrudged him for that, he deserved it more than anyone.
When Chase passed away, we all dealt with his death differently but Alex buckled down and focused on his grades and his future…it was what he needed to get through. A year later when John passed away, he helped us all through our grief, he got us all to talk about it and work through it. After John had slipped through the cracks, falling into a depression none of us could save him from, Alex spent his first year of Uni, phoning each of us once a week to check how we were doing. He had a great big heart.
After Uni, he got a job with an accountant and he was working his way up. Saving every penny for his future and everything was falling into place. He was looking for houses at the beginning of this year and was moving up through the ranks at work.
When T died this year, he took it hard. I guess for all of us, she was the beacon leading us the way but after she passed we all shut down. I mean I isolated myself from most things until I had convinced myself to relapse and luckily I managed to pick myself up again before I hit rock bottom again. But Alex fell into depression, he stopped going to work and lost his job, he isolated himself from everything and last week, he took his life. I can’t believe this world is now still turning without that laugh, without him cracking some sort of remark and bringing us all back together.
I’ve mentioned before I struggle to find a relationship with God but I hope dearly that there is some form of afterlife for Alex and for all the guys we lost. I hope he sees T again. It’s that thought that helps me to smile again and the thought that the darkness is no longer controlling him.
I regret not checking in with him after T died, I was so lost in my own grief, I couldn’t look up to check on anyone else. It reminds me how incredibly strong Alex was all those years ago when Chase and John died, checking in on us and guiding us back to the light. I only wish he could’ve found it again. But I will forever be grateful to have known him and I honestly don’t know how I would’ve got through some of the dark days without him. He will be missed by all of us and a lot of other people who knew him. I only hope that he is now at peace.
Thanks for reading.